Jokes Post them here for giggles.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Ok my joke is more a MEME. 
 

Now pay attention,

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
.
.
.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk...

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!

Three Irishmen in a bar. Murphy says "My local's better than this. In my local, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free"
Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Paddy says, "That's nothin'. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW," says the
other two. "Has that actually happened to you?". "No," says Paddy, "But it happened to my sister.!

I'm glad I'm not your sister.

I saw someone stealing socks off my washing line yesterday, I was going to confront them but i got cold feet.

Rod Panhard wrote:I saw someone stealing socks off my washing line yesterday, I was going to confront them but i got cold feet.

I am soo going to use this on my son. Thank you. 









A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”

Brilliant!!!

What  @kimchi said... absolutely brilliant.

Admin wrote:What  @kimchi said... absolutely brilliant.

Blessed be the cheesemakers, big nose!

kimchi wrote:

Admin wrote:What  @kimchi said... absolutely brilliant.

Blessed be the cheesemakers, big nose!

I'm warning you!
Just call me "Big Nose" one more time!!
I will hit you soOo hard!!!
;-p

ShortJohnSilver wrote:
I'm warning you!
Just call me "Big Nose" one more time!!
I will hit you soOo hard!!!
;-p

I wasn't talking to you, floppychops, I was talking to  @AceBullion!

And, you must admit, he does have a vewwy big nose

kimchi wrote:

ShortJohnSilver wrote:
I'm warning you!
Just call me "Big Nose" one more time!!
I will hit you soOo hard!!!
;-p

I wasn't talking to you, floppychops, I was talking to  @AceBullion!

And, you must admit, he does have a vewwy big nose

Oh!
So where does he come from then - Nose City...?

Who nose.

The Cat's Mother wrote:Who nose.

https://youtu.be/JAVvEQvnDm0

The Cat's Mother wrote:Who nose.

Luckily we have an 'ose pipe ban here now, he wouldn't be allowed into Kent, the cameras would pick that huge conk out before he got halfway across the bridge

kimchi wrote:

The Cat's Mother wrote:Who nose.

Luckily we have an 'ose pipe ban here now, he wouldn't be allowed into Kent, the cameras would pick that huge conk out before he got halfway across the bridge

Who thinks I should grab Kimchi by his tail and dip him in water? 

hmmm

It'd be a waste of water. Don't you have any slurry pits near you?

no sadly.